As I sit down to write this gravely serious yet hilarious tour d’horizon of the five possible fields open to me and my peers in the uncertain future, I can’t help but wonder why our generation is so obsessed with work.
I mean, if the past few months have taught us anything, surely it’s that most 21st century jobs are essentially meaningless — when was the last time you heard someone shout: ‘is there a social media manager in the house?’
Stop staring out the window and start training for the only five careers that will matter when all this is over, whenever that is.
But, never fear, despite this being a boomer’s world, it would mean nothing, nothing, without a hardworking, underpaid millennial intern on it.
So, stop staring out the window and laughing maniacally about the collapse of all your generation’s employment prospects and start training for the only five careers that will matter when all this is over, whenever that is.
Birthday producer
At the beginning of lockdown, a million tiny violin gifs played for those with March or April birthdays. Little did we know then that our hearts would also being going out to those born in May and June and July and…
Now the early celebrants, with their artfully choreographed video tributes and homemade cordial look like the lucky ones, while those languishing at what is *hopefully* the thick end of quarantine must try to grin and bear it with no sign of elderflower or mates.
Zoom quizzes will be scored and themed and, the best part of all, there won’t be any cleaning up to do afterwards.
Their friends lost the will to live long ago, leaving no energy left to put a bespoke birthday care package together every other week. With social distancing seemingly without end, capitalism must step in and find a way to monetise the new normal. Your new remote celebration production company will be available for online birthdays, weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Video tributes will be screened complete with 360° reaction shots, Zoom quizzes will be scored and themed and, the best part of all, there won’t be any cleaning up to do afterwards.
Meme laureate
I feel I must declare an interest: I’ve been campaigning for this role to be created, and then given to me, since about 2013.
We’re well through the looking glass on this one, and the powers that be need to wake up and heed the haptic. No disrespect to Simon Armitage, or Carol Ann Duffy before him, but do either of these two sad boxes really speak to the nation?
The Meme Laureate must be somebody steeped in meme history, with a proven track record of irrefutably dank memes
When there’s a major event, say a royal baby is born, or a deadly pandemic unlike the world has seen in over a century, what provides greater solace to the masses: the bloodless verse of some overgrown nerd or a rip-roaringly lol meme? I know which one I’m more likely to turn to. In fact, I believe so profoundly in its establishment, that like Larkin, Dryden and Scott before me, I am hereby withdrawing my application for the position.
The Meme Laureate must be somebody steeped in meme history, with a proven track record of irrefutably dank memes — let’s not kid ourselves, probably only a Gen Zer is capable of the role of producing a meme for every occasion.
Micro-interior designer
Despite Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen’s best floral-shirted efforts, interior designers were never really employed by anyone but the most room-rich.
Moreover, actually getting a foot on the paisley-print ladder required years of ingratiating yourself with member’s wives down the local country club. After three months spent soaked in bad feng shui on lumpy sofas staring at grubby skirting boards, all that will change.
Say hello to the micro-interior designer, master of one or two-room makeovers
Say hello to the micro-interior designer, master of one or two-room makeovers. Turn that weird storage slot next to the boiler into a tiny padded cell perfect for afternoon naps or long nights of the soul. Install a ballet barre towel rack in the bathroom for post-shower warm downs.
And, of course, save your most inspirational work for the wall in front of which your client does their Zoom calls. I’m thinking trompe-l’œil trophy cabinets and a sea of fake diplomas.
Gerbil King
If, like me, you’ve watched Tiger King during lockdown then you’ve definitely spent some time of late contemplating selling up and emigrating to Oklahoma in order to join Joe Exotic’s bunch of loveable misfits. Or maybe not.
Either way, you won’t be having your zoophilic urges sated by the ragtag fauna on offer in your local park — offence very much intended toward the scraggy squirrels of West London.
Come out of lockdown as your local eccentric entrepreneur by building a mini zoo filled with all things small and beautiful
Of course, keeping huge tropical-Â and desert-native creatures under lock and key is arguably extremely cruel; however, rodents and similarly cute and tiny animals are more than content being kept as pets.
Come out of lockdown as your local eccentric entrepreneur by building a mini zoo filled with all things small and beautiful: flea circus, sea monkey aquarium, hamster safari. Get ready to climb the TripAdvisor rankings for Top Things to See and Do in Willesden.
Remote barber
A thousand Georgian portraits remind us of the perils ever-present before the invention of electric clippers. Until very recently, children were largely spared the reciprocal indignity of having to gaze upon a full-grown man with hair that hadn’t seen the touch of another in over three months. As the embarrassed owner of one such shaggy eye sore, I find myself in a bit of a pickle.
Unwilling to grant my girlfriend licence to trim my rug, I’m also wary of bounding into the nearest barbershop at the first sign of lockdown easing. If we’re able to work, love and celebrate remotely, why can’t we cut hair remotely too?
Imagine, if you will, a world without inane barber chair small talk—now that’s a future worth fighting for
Remote barbering involves the professional directing their scissor-wielding subject via video call. Left, right, bit more off the sides, that sort of thing… Eventually, you’ll be able to download haircuts in the same way you can buy knitting patterns.
Imagine, if you will, a world without inane barber chair small talk—now that’s a future worth fighting for.
