Millennial Agony Aunt: Week 16

Emily Watkins is a professional Millennial (read: precariously employed twenty-something). Each week, she answers three generation-specific queries from the depths of her on-brand existential crisis.

Please send any quandaries, issues, troubles or thoughts to aunt@whynow.co.uk for a good dose of aunt-ing.

My partner hangs out with his ex and it makes me feel weird. I don’t mean that it’s necessarily flirty (and sometimes he even invites me too, so it’s not a secret either), but it’s definitely unusual so it’s on my mind.

Am I being paranoid, or is he unreasonable to expect me to be cool about this? Should I ask him to stop, or should I chill out?

Everyone has their own set of relationship red flags – automatic disqualifiers, head-to-jail-and-do-not-pass-go cards, the dating equivalent of a gross misconduct clause in an employment contract for immediate dismissal. Anyway, for what it’s worth, I tend to think that someone being friends with their ex is actually a good sign… a green flag, if you will. 

So while your partner hanging out with his ex isn’t a problem in itself, the fact that he’s doing something that he knows makes you uncomfortable is arguably uncool; it’s up to him to reassure you, but it’s also up to you to make sure you’re reacting to what is actually happening rather than your worst fears – is this a raging affair, or could it just be a healthy friendship? 

Maybe your boyfriend is a master manipulator. Maybe his invitations to join the party are an expert double bluff, designed to keep you quiet so he and his ex can not only shag all the time but also laugh at you while they’re doing it. Or maybe you’ve found yourself a guy who cultivates mutually beneficial relationships with his romantic partners that outweigh sex and extend into friendship. There’s no way of knowing, but there’s also no sense in stewing over something that might not have happened.

Take him up on the offer to join in next time he suggests it, and you’ll have a much clearer sense of what’s going on. Meanwhile, I say chill out until you’ve got reason to heat up.

I am going through a break-up and as it normally does, the sadness comes in waves. I miss him and think about him all the time but it would never work now, so at least I know that it’s the right thing. I started seeing someone for a bit but I wasn’t into it (which wasn’t due to the recent break-up) but I’m feeling so fed up I’m not sure whether to just take a break from dating.

On the one hand, I could do with some breathing space and time to rejuvenate but on the other hand, being attracted to someone and having a sex life brings a spring to my step whatever! It just gets tiring after a while. What would you advise me to do?

I’m so sorry. Break-ups are dreadful at the best of times, and it sounds like this one has really taken its toll. When one is grieving – and you are, even if only on a small scale – I’m of the belief that the right course of action is whatever you feel it to be. By which I mean, if your body and soul were telling you to leap out of your house and into the arms of new suitors, then I’d be shoving you out the door. But it sounds more like you need to regroup. 

You say you want breathing space – so that’s what you must have. It’s perfectly normal to need time to digest the end of a relationship, and you can revel in a couple of days (weekends? Weeks?) indulging every whim (or every whim you can afford). That’ll be different for everyone, and it’s worth starting small; I don’t know what gets you going but if your favourite way to relax is with a bath, have one that lasts all night. If you want to offload on friends, set up camp at your favourite café, get the wine in and advise them to settle in for a bit of a session. Or if all you can bear is curling up with a film and your duvet – do that. 

It’s a cliché, but this too shall pass. It’s hard to imagine now but one day, maybe sooner than you think, you’ll wake up without this break-up front of mind. At which point, the world should watch out – because you’ll be ready for phase 2 of Operation Feel Better, where the objective is to get the fires of passion roaring again and get that spring you mention back in your step.

It’s tempting to want to rush to the end of something hard, to think of it as ‘behind you’ rather than stretching out ahead. I’m afraid it sounds like you’ve got a bit of mourning still to go – and then, many more adventures.

My girlfriend has gone vegan and to be honest, it’s driving me up the wall. We live together which is making things really hard – because if I don’t eat vegan too she looks at me like I’m some kind of evil pervert or makes a sarky comment.

So I feel under pressure, which makes me throw my toys out of the pram and rage-eat loads of yoghurt. I don’t disagree with veganism at all, and in fact I’d been thinking of doing it myself until this happened. Really it’s her attitude that I object to! Do I have to cave and join her righteous brigade, or should I stand my ground? I can’t bear this much longer…

Wow, yeah, I see what you mean – suddenly, I find myself overtaken by an urge to eat blue steaks and as much cheese as I can lay my hands on. Weird!

As you’ve discovered, there’s nothing like performative holier-than-thou behaviour to send someone scuttling in the other direction. Arguably, your girlfriend has done more to ensure that you do not go vegan than the most beautiful charcuterie board could have – so could you try explaining how off-putting her posturing is proving to be? Because if veganism is the aim, then she needs to change her tactics. She’ll be so grateful for the feedback!

Or – is it possible that your girlfriend is having more fun feeling morally superior than anything else? In either case, telling her that she’s getting in her own way (Darling, you’re driving me up the wall with this crusade or I’ve eaten more dairy out of spite in the last few weeks than I have in the last year) will be a priceless litmus test.

Reluctant though I am to advise anyone against the life-enhancing, planet-saving choice to eat vegan, I think you have to stand your ground here – otherwise, and at the risk of sounding like Super Nanny, you’re only rewarding bad behaviour. It won’t be long before your girlfriend is using these tantrum tactics to make you do all manner of things you don’t want to; government policy is not to negotiate with terrorists, and you’ll do well to transfer that tactic to virtue signallers too.