50 Cent, or ‘Fiddy’ to his mates, posted a New Year photo on his Instagram this week. Like everyone else you know. He claimed that this year, he was going to continue to be focused. Like everyone else you know until around 26th January when it all comes tumbling down. He said his ‘new idea is so big, I don’t have time to be distracted I’m practicing abstinence, I have been meditating and focusing on my goals. I hope this New Year helps you excel to the next level. @bransoncognac @lecheminduroi’.
Yes, you read that right, he posted about abstaining from vices, whilst tagging in the two alcohol brands he founded, in a photo of him smoking a cigar with a glass of cognac. I respect it. Keep the hustle of your brand partnerships alive whilst saying something that seems to hint at living in a completely opposing way.
When did having your own brand of alcohol or at least being the face of one become an absolute necessity for anyone with over 10k followers? Why am I faced with people who clearly don’t ever say yes to a second drink lest one of their pores becomes visible (imagine), telling me they love drowning in their own tequila or wine and that I should hurry to the nearest supermarket to spend a tenner more than usual on it?
From Nick Jonas’ Tequila, Pitbull’s vodka (genuinely), Bruno Mars’ chocolate rum (presumably created after they sat in the board room and thought, “What booze would make people vomit quickest?”), Metallica’s whisky (I am not making these up) and Snoop Dogg’s 19 Crimes wine (fine, so I’ve had this several times, and it’s actually nice), it’s contagion out there. Sorry, I’ve just seen that Bob Dylan has a bourbon. The father of the modern protest song is making a few quid off some booze and it’s not even being bootlegged. We’ve reached peak capitalism, and yes, I have said that every year for the past fifteen years. How much worse can it get?
Between flogging us skincare brands with seventeen products (to be used twice daily), beauty products, slimming pills, fashion lines, diet drinks, and detox tea, I’m surprised they have enough musicians left to shout, “Hey, remember, still make time to get f*cked up!” Still, if you can’t beat them, join them. I’ve thought up a few ideas for some choice celebs in order that they can expand their brands with vices instead of self-care. Agents, if you’re reading this, you know where to find me. Buying supermarket own-brand prosecco on offer on the 27th January.
SELF ESTEEM: DIRTY PINTS
The only person in the charts we all want to go for a pint with (after she finishes smashing it in Cabaret this year) Rebecca Lucy Taylor’s merch is always incredible. From wearing a t-shirt that said ‘FREE GARY’ after the Lineker Twitter debate earlier this year, which coincided with Gary Glitter being released from prison, to caps with 6Music Dad OR 6Music Daddy on, we reckon everyone’s favourite pop star could make you a pint of everything off the top shelf, topped up with some Diet Coke, and sell it for £20 a pop. That way, you can forget what everyone else is flogging after one, too. Bonus!
RIHANNA: PRE-ROLLED JOINTS
After dancing around it with CBD oil for years, it’s time for this country to fully legalise weed. Who better to take us into hazy oblivion than the woman who still hasn’t quite got round to releasing a new album in what is now…eighty years? Strictly one per person, per week, we don’t want the last shreds of the country’s infrastructure to grind to a halt.
EASY LIFE: TASTELESS VODKA
Whilst the band are in limbo after EasyJet sued them for copyright, they may as well release something that symbolically, you don’t really know is there, but is still fucking great.
TAYLOR SWIFT: CRYSTAL METH GUMMIES
Just as a test really, what can’t she do without gaining fans?
LIAM GALLAGHER: WARM LAGER
Imagine if someone invented a lager that didn’t taste like something you’d drink out the bottom of a Marmite jar once it went above two degrees Celsius. They’d be a millionaire! Now imagine Liam Gallagher is the face of it, on Hampstead Heath, just after a run, in the baking hot sun, drinking room temperature hops. Take my money.
HARRY STYLES: A WINE/CIDER/CHAMPAGNE HYBRID
Harry Styles is the ideal person to front a product who never really says what it is, but absolutely everyone loves it.
Everyone’s trying to smoke less. I reckon if you made Chad Kroeger the face of them, with Photograph as the soundtrack to the ads, consumption would be down by 40% within the month.