★★★★☆

Find our gig review of this week’s PMQs showdown below. 

Since he was a wee lad, Boris has dreamt of being Britain’s lead singer. He has long envisioned himself on the Commons stage, serenading the masses to the beat of his own drum. Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, he has indisputably done that. He has dictated the tune and commanded the stage, his combative singing style defining the Conservative band’s output for the last three years now.

While it proved successful at first, the songs lost their edge and the off-stage controversies mounted. Boris’ magisterial reign ended in mutiny – his very own backing musicians instrumental to his ousting. 

I suppose he was never best suited to the straitjacket that comes with the highest job in the land, the natural showman that he is. Here is a creative who needs to be afforded a certain artistic leeway. Don’t people realise the studio at Number 10 offers very little room for individual expression? It’s cramped and scrutinised. Until recently, it had this ghastly old sound-proofing on the walls that never gelled with Boris’ own taste and vision. 

But, this afternoon, he got one last hurrah. Having been all but released from the constraints of premiership, Boris was able to free his arms on stage and rediscover his jesterly mojo. Of course, his lyrics lacked much substance, but that has been the case for some time. Truth be told, it was never his forte. All those pesky fans demanding substance and integrity… today he could finally get back to doing what he does best: entertaining.

Throughout, Boris was at his bombastic best. Off the Prime-Ministerial script, his freestyles arrived with speed and humour. With a roaring crowd egging him on for one last show, he was like a Whac-A-Mole player boshing down the heads of those who dared to rise from the crowd opposite him, their critiques rendered blunt by the fact the PM had nothing to lose.

This was not Boris versus Keir Starmer, nor even Boris versus any tangible opponent, but rather Boris rallying against the world and the personal criticism which seems destined to define his legacy. He succeeded in bowing out on his own terms, however immaterial that proves to be.

Speaking of Keir, he never really got going today. His gags lacked conviction. Momentum accumulated through solid performances over the last few weeks seemed to dissipate. Conversely, Boris’ two tracks personally targeting the Labour frontman – ‘Pointless Plastic Human Bollard’ and ‘The Last Blast From Captain Hindsight’ – both visibly hurt. 

Starmer was not alone in stalling. The opposition in general got it wrong. They seemed to expect a day of contrition and reflection from the PM. As if Boris was ever going to unveil an acoustic guitar and strum a melancholic tune. No, this was about belting out his greatest hits to a home crowd, who were happy to cheer him one final time.

The show actually began quite civilly. There was almost a wistfulness in the air. For all the invective to have flown across the Commons floor during the last three years, it’s been dramatic, and many in the room seemed to be savouring the final episode of a drama which has glued millions of Britons to their screens.

Master of ceremonies, Lindsay Hoyle, opened the show with his new single, ‘Policies Rather Than Personalities’, which asked the crowd for civility in the stadium. For a moment, it appeared he would get his wish. Starmer opened with an emotional, thoughtful ballad: ‘Our Relationship Was Never Easy,’ before solemnly wishing his best to Boris, his wife Carrie, and the Johnson family. The pair’s relationship has indeed been fractious, but could it end in a degree of harmony?

No. 

Starmer swiftly moved onto the tried and tested track, ‘Downing Street Is No Place For A Lawbreaker’, not realising that at this point, Boris simply doesn’t care. Even when the Labour leader doubled down with ‘I’m Going to Miss The Delusion’, Boris brushed it off, no longer needing to defend his position.

Keir was not alone in getting pushed to the side. Town crier Ian Blackford did what he does every week, the repetitiveness of the SNP’s slogans glaringly obvious today. Boris wishing him well in his retirement to a croft was moderately amusing. Then was the turn of Ed Davey, who’s new track – ‘We Want A General Election’ – missed the mark, and was in fact turned back around at the Lib Dem leader. 

The one downside for Johnson was the hollowness of his own braggadocious claims. As he listed his supposed achievements, it didn’t feel like anyone really believed it, perhaps other than his PR agent, Nadine Dorries. 

“Hasta la vista, baby”

PM Boris Johnson receives standing ovation from Conservative MPs after offering “final words of advice” to successor, “whoever he or she may be”#PMQs https://t.co/fYJXc3xpvS pic.twitter.com/yrANlEhb9T

— BBC Politics (@BBCPolitics) July 20, 2022

Nonetheless, it was not enough to prevent a love-in with the people who have effectively just fired him. Sir Edward Leigh’s closing track, ‘May I Thank Him’ – admittedly a rousing tune – highlighted the fickleness of modern fandom. 

The floor then fell to Boris to deliver his own outro. This was not like his predecessor, Theresa May’s, closing speech. There was no reverence towards the room they stood in nor the institution so many claim Boris has stained, but rather quintessential Johnson, wishing to impart some wisdom unto his successor.

‘Stay Close To The Americans’, ‘Focus On The Road Ahead’ and ‘It’s Not Twitter That Counts’ were all on the tracklist, but most surprising was the unreleased single, ‘Don’t Always Listen To The Treasury’. This new rendition likely reveals where Boris’ allegiances lie in the race to succeed him. 

That left just enough time for the star man to cover Arnie Schwarzanegger’s classic tune, ‘Hasta La Vista, Baby’, before making his departure through an atmosphere that ultimately sums up his polarising effect as leader. 

Bowing out, on one side he received a standing ovation; on the other, indignation.